Friend Request

Kalyana-mitra: auspicious friend(s) whom we choose to share a mutually worthwhile passage.

Time magazine named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg their 2010 Person of the Year. Seemed everywhere we turned as we crossed the threshold into 2011 we were nibbled on by sound bites about his life, the movie Social Network, or the awe inspiring rise of Facebook. In just seven years, Facebook is approaching 600 million users, which is about one in every dozen people on the planet! The social entity is now two times as large as the population of the U.S. and 70% of the users are outside of the U.S.

Holy cow, we crave connection!

I first pulled together this now vintage 2009 class theme when the concept of Facebook was new to me and the US was at the height of the recession. At that time Deepak Chopra had suggested in an email newsletter to focus on deepening your relationships versus acquiring things.

So it seems finding and managing the delicate balance of meaningful relationship is a perennial pursuit. Just like on our yoga mats, we don’t “get” balance once and for all, we work and play at it always.

During the opening centering, I recalled a Tibetan Buddhist prayer often recited at the start of meditation which, in short, is a wish for all beings to have happiness, be free from suffering, and that your seemingly invisible practice be of benefit to all. There is a sweet presumption inherent in both this prayer from long ago and far away and the Facebook of our times—we are never alone, we are always in relationship.

The Time article touched on the many ways the rise of social networking is pushing us to think differently about relationship—virtual vs. the power of human touch or full fish-bowl like disclosure of all aspects of yourself vs. the extraordinary gift of intimacy—the bottom line, regardless of medium or how open/closed the boundary, we need each other to see ourselves more clearly.

And these relationships (reflections) matter. A recent study concluded relationships are a key health factor right up there with diet and exercise (no surprise). One outcome of the study that really stuck with me is that negativity rules. A single negative relationship has a stronger impact on health than a positive one. In fact it takes 7.2 positive relationships to compensate for 1 negative relationship. Goes to show there is wisdom in the saying, good fences make good neighbors. Be sure to choose and manage your networks with care!

Yet, with all of this connectivity, don't you think there continues to be way too much loneliness? I passed along to you a suggestion that was once shared with me—you are never alone on your yoga mat, no matter how far away from home or you feel in your own skin.

I liken it to passing by your PC or smart phone, knowing that your Facebook friend network is always there, with something to share or eager to listen to your contribution, the only difference is that with technology today you can actually see your Facebook network with a click of a button.

It may take a while longer for most of us to advance to this (spooky) level of clairvoyance while alone on our mats; which is probably a-OK given some of you in class in turn broke out into Rockwell's ‘80s hit song “It always feels like…somebody’s watching me”. Not only was that very funny, but rest assured definitely yes…you bet we will all be there whispering, “head of the arm bones back, top of the shin forward, small micro bend in the knee, put your head between your ears ;)”

Maintaining our social network is a process. Be as flexible...

For fun, we simulated a flexible social networking process in Parsvokanasana (standing side angle bend) using the Anusara universal principles of alignment. First, open to the possibility that just about any friend request holds the possibility of genuine friendship. Accept the invitation. As you engage in the process, sometimes you’ll be the primary contributor (organic energy), and then when you let’s say cross the mid line into being a serial Facebook poster of your every action to thousands of your closest friends(narcissism), no worries, you’ll pull back, tighten the boundary (muscular energy). Other times you’ll be the steadfast listener/spectator (outer spiral), but when you become so contracted you’re not posting or commenting at all (voyeurism), you’ll loosen up and offer back your unique voice (inner spiral).

...as you are strong.

Whether social networks or the meaning of words, when we look more closely, there is always more. Kalyanam is translated as celebration of relationship, marriage. Mitra means friend or ally; but it also means the sun, the most reliable source of companionship, which gives without asking for no other reason than it can wanting nothing in return—an act of pure unadulterated grace.

I’d venture to guess all of us want companionship that gives without asking anything in return, but may find it difficult from time to time to be an unwavering ally when our friends (or ourselves) act of out of fear or lead with their insecurities.

So today on our mats we also practiced being a reliable friend. Proving to ourselves we have what it takes to be that (1) positive relationship and if needed can give up to (7) times more to help counter our friends' (1) negative relationship.

In preparation for handstand, we partnered up, stood on the side of the leg our friend planned to kick up with and gave an unyielding “mitra” like hold to the inner edge of their ankle. Your friend pressed their leg into the mid line of your reliable assist and low and behold up they went. While your friend’s legs may have been fearfully flailing, or perhaps he littered you with all sorts of insecure excuses as to why he would not go up—each of you stood firm, you did not waver, and you gave without asking anything in return (except maybe not to be kicked.)

Now the true test will be whether or not we get this "mitra" hold right when we are off of our mats in our offices, cars, bedrooms...

In closing...

Let an angel swing and make you swoon, as suggested by the lyrics of the song The Riddle which was played during Svasana. Said otherwise, indulge in the gift of relationship, first and foremost with yourself and then in all of its infinitely creative and at times challenging forms with others. My wish for each of you as we left our mats was best summed up by the following:

A Blessing for Friendship by John O'Donohue
May you be blessed with good friends,
And learn to be a good friend to yourself,
Journeying to that place in your soul where
There is love, warmth, and feeling.
May this change you.
May it transfigure what is negative, distant,
Or cold within your heart.
May you be brought into real passion, kindness,
And belonging.
May you treasure your friends.
May you be good to them, be there for them
And receive all the challenges, truth, and light you need.
May you never be isolated but know the embrace
Of your anam cara.
("anam cara" means soul friend in the Celtic world)

With much sincerity and gratitude, thank you, thank you for sharing your practice with me each week. And to each and every one of us knowing our kalanya-mitra in this lifetime, Namaste!

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